And On This Day...

Gollum Spotted At Best Buy

2005-11-25T05:25:00.000-08:00

When asked what he was doing there, he whipped around and coughed up little answer except for the words "Buy one get one free! Axion! Preciousssss." With no regard for the knockoff sounding nature of the brand name, he horded about 14 portable DVD players, and then scurried off to the plasma screen aisle, where nothing was on sale. Another Gollum was spotted inside of a "DVDs for $4.99" bin, making off with a copy of The Grudge and 3 copies of Spiderman, while still another waited in a line that wrapped around the store 5 times, leaving him in the Home Appliance section with enough time to fill out a delivery form to actually order a refrigerator and have it brought home. Where another refrigerator already sits. Meanwhile, Best Buy workers couldn't be more helpful. Each Gollum was approached at least 10 times with a sincere, "You look like you're staring off into space. Do you have any questions today? These Axion players are 2 for 1!" Still other employees walked around with balloons tied to their asses, advertising the "special" and "fun" nature of the day-after-Thanksgiving sale in progress. Management went on record as saying the dedicated workers showed up at 4am to blow up and tie their ass balloons in perfect bunches of humiliation.

Only a Few Decades Ago, My Dad Was Born

2005-11-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

My dear old Dad. I call him Papa. How many of you guys out there have ever had your mind blown when you learn something about your parents you never even knew?

Like, for the last few years, I thought I figured out who my dad was. He's a petroleum and oil guy obviously. He's really into financial stuff. Loves watching the ticker tapes at the bottom of CNN. This is what most of my comedy material is about, mind you. He likes to cook New Orleans cuisine like shrimp etouffe and jambalaya. He loves Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers and Monty Python. That about covers it.

Well, I didn't find out until recently, that my dad is a big fan of World War II movies, like Guns of Navarone. Gregory Peck and Anthony Quinn. Must be good! Shit, I love documentaries! I'd love to sit down and watch Tora! Tora! Tora!, another Papa recommendation. My dad even knows what good acting is! Who knew? When he and mom had to run from Rita, they took refuge at my sister's friends' house. Her husband's parents were also there, giving my parents some company in their own age group. While I thought they were starving and scratching the walls for days, my dad and mom were having the time of their life! "Rasu, it was fabulous, we played ping pong late into the night!" My jaw dropped in awe. And here I have resigned my parents as being old, non physical farts. I was amazed! And I knew how much my dad was a dogman, but not until recently did I find out just where his heart lies when it comes to our very elderly pet (Mr. Nolan Ryan, now 17.5 years).

WW II and guns? Ha! That's the little boy talking! There's still a little boy inside my dad! There is so much more to this incredible man I have yet to learn. Just by getting out of the way and observing. Just by asking! Just by being there, ready to play! When you know a little bit more about your parents, you really discover another little piece of yourself.

Happy Birthday, Papa.

Gross!

2005-08-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a shower and then rubbed and smeared your face dry in stinky, disgusting, smell-like-some-Indian-father-who-did-not-shower-and-actually-thinks-nobody-will-smell-it f'ed-upness? And then the stench doesn't leave your face for an entire hour? I hate it! I hate it! And I hate that brand! Wamsutta!

I wake up dreaming of Harvey Keitel...

2005-08-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

...circa 1968. Martin Scorcese had finished up school and made a picture called Who's That Knocking at my Door? Boy, these cats used to look so damn good in their prime. Also, I'm recalling what funnies a friend said to me. The kind of witticism that makes me gasp, 'Are you gonna use that or can I?' and she graciously said it's mine. But it deserves to be shared. First, we were talking about our pasts, and like me, she would keep going off on tangents. She said, 'Okay, let me get back on track here...I live in the margins." And I loved that. Later, when I asked her where she lives, she said "The Valley." I said, "Oh! Ventura Canyon. That sounds nice." She replied, "It's actually more of a ditch."